A Journey of a Thousand Miles…

Begins with a single step. I took that step yesterday after having deliberated my decision to leave my job of 8 years 3 months at least three times during this period.

The first time was just a little one year after joining my organisation. Having moved from a private sector job to a public sector one, I was having a lot of issues coping with the bureaucracy and protocol. Not only that I was regarded as a an outsider within this closely knitted group and it was terribly hard to assimilate. In the end, I decided to stay on because one of the senior management spoke to me and sold me his vision. I can live on with a vision.

The second time I contemplated leaving was about 4 years later. My organisation had set up a new team providing some form of retirement planning guidance (a vision that I had communicated to said boss above earlier during our work chat). It felt like it was a role made for me so I spoke to the group director overseeing that division and told him I was keen to join them. However events of the following few months opened my eyes to the kind of boss he is and I realised that our values did not meet.

The third time came a year ago. I had gotten to know the department head of my sister department under our communications group. He wasn’t the nicest boss and had a penchant to give off stinky remarks but we worked well together. He had a vision and he had guts to speak up. Yet he saw me as an equal whom he sought views from and respected them even when we were not aligned. My department head was almost the opposite. He was a nice nurturing boss but he lacked vision and guts. And instead of respecting me as an equal, he had always regarded me as a subordinate, pawn of sorts. I transferred to the other department when there was an opening, to a portfolio that had been shaky since 2015. I figured that if I as a veteran cannot fix it, then no one else could since the last two hires failed. I had already arrived at the tailend of my stint so if I could survive, I would. If I could not, then it would just accelerate the process.

Then my new boss tendered in January. I was devastated. I knew he was leaving when I joined him but I didn’t expect the impact to be so great on me. When I reflected, I realised it wasn’t because I was losing a boss, I was losing a friend. What ensued was a series of departures… Departures of people who shared the same values as me – a culture where we work together across boundaries, and not in silos guarding territories. Each departure took its toil on me. But I told myself that my belief in the mission would keep me going.

My group director however killed whatever ounce of belief I still had. It wasn’t just because she was an emotional nutcase but mainly because she didn’t know how to manage the stakeholders. I realised that whatever goodwill the group had worked hard to build up with the senior management was disintegrating before my eyes. We had lost their trust, and in losing their trust, we lost our voice. And when we lost our voice, we no longer had the autonomy over our own work. I couldn’t continue on when I witnessed her helplessness in overturning the situation. It was her own downfall for falling to build bridges when it mattered and burning them all down in her stupid pride.

So it was with a bittersweet turmoil that I handed in my resignation yesterday. My group director had suspected it all along but we spoke cordially. However her final comment drove a stake through my heart. She said that she didn’t need people whose hearts aren’t here anymore. I know that was her own defense mechanism at work but it still hurt like mad. Because I loved my work and was committed right up to the very end. She had no right to say this to me, as if with her very words, the last 8.5 years of my dedication meant nothing. I cried my heart out.

Still I have no regrets. It is time to move on. The saying goes, Heroes die young or they live long enough to become the villain. I was evolving into a villain in my own way. It was time to stop before that happens. So I’ll look ahead with much anticipation of what is next. Prior to turning in my letter, I read the Bible. The verse of the day was – Choose for yourself this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. Josh 24:15

Amen. I serve the Lord and not the bosses who come and go in my life.