Between a rock and a hard place

Even after all the events of the last two months, nothing has changed. After all the hoo ha of the wedding preparations and the wedding itself, life goes back to normal. Abnormally normal. I’m Mrs. Lee and yet I’m still Miss Teng. I have this ring on my finger which i can conveniently remove if i want to. And I have to go home, go home to my own home, everyday.

I guess my life is meant to be spent by others afterall. From birth, I was the reason my parents are together. Growing up, i became the soul mate of my elder brother who had no one else’s love or loved anyone else except me. And then I met Theo and I became the love of his life. And then comes Junior, who i had to give up everything for. My life is spent living for every single person except myself and yet somehow people still think that I am selfish that i always had things my way.

Does anybody want to be in my shoes? I got all the love and yet i got none. The one person I love, i have to sacrifice because of my family commitments, because of Junior. Im really sick of this whole arrangement. Why do i have to be the glue for every crack in the world? Am i really that indispensable? And yet no one appreciates the work i do. No one understands the torment i go through. I just keep going, keep putting on that smile so that everybody else can go on.

Sometimes i think the only time anyone will stop to know me is when i am gone. How i wish i can just leave this world but it seems God has decided that i have a long long life to live. Why is He bent on torturing me like this?

I really love Theo alot. I guess the strength to love comes from God and yet I am torn to do the right thing and keep Junior. And torn between family duties, to keep my mum sane, to provide financially for dad when no one else wants to and to give emotional support to my brother. And at the expense of what Theo wants. Me wholly to himself.

How I want to give him all that. I really do and it tears me to pieces that time and again something else draws me away from him. So much so i wonder if i really love him at all… and if i did, why do i hurt him like this? He’s already done a lot for me. How much more can i ask of him?

Sometimes i want to tell my family, do you want my marriage to break down just so that i can sustain this family? On my presence alone? Do you want my baby to have a broken family so that i can try my best to fill the cracks in an already broken one. Theo was right, the only way to solve anything is to bring me far far away from this place.

God won’t you just grant me peace? But how can anyone understand what a wholesome marriage should be like? My dad, mum and bro have no example to follow and neither do i. Only Theo does. And yet i dun have enough power myself to follow him and not the rest. I am so tired… i just wanna rest.